Wednesday, December 30, 2009
♥ 5:52 AM
Wednesday, 30th December 2009.
Painful.
I can't even find the words to begin.
I am fighting back tears as i bring myself to type this.
It hurts so much when i think about it.
It feels as if you've been slapped in the face real hard, like when you didn't see it coming.
My heart feels so heavy i don't know when i'll be able to pick myself back up again.
If i could turn back the hands of time, i would, if i knew it was going to be this hard, i wouldn't have allowed myself to venture into the unknown with you but i didn't say that i regret every moment spent with you.
Every moment spent with you was like nothing i'd ever imagine.
I felt cold when it was hot,
you never fail to put that smile on my face,
the way you looked at me until i have to force myself to look away because i feel so shy,
the way you said my name like no one else will,
the way you held me your arms which always made me feel so safe,
the way you'd stroke my hair ever so gently,
the way your lips would find my lips and we'd kiss, fast or slow, soft or hard, it was beautiful.
Did i ever tell you?
That i love kissing you?
Did i ever tell you that the butterflies you gave me never stopped?
Did i ever tell you that i hated it everytime you let my hands go?
Did i ever tell you that i love to make you smile?
I never told you that i named your smile, i call it the comfy smile because it was so darn adorable, makes me melt everytime.
My heart would race everytime we touched.
The way you would tell me stuff to comfort me.
The way you made me feel, i know they were real.
I don't know anybody else would have called it, but i know that definitely its something real.
The things that happened between us were special, you made me feel so very loved.
I can never bring myself to hate you because all the memories i have of you are happy.
You are going to be hard to forget but i know that this is going to make me a stronger person.
Whatever it is, only time will tell.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
♥ 12:37 PM
Wednesday, 18th November 2009
4.50am, on my bed, half sleeping.
What do you think?
You are completely dumbfounded.
You keep thinking, what is going on?
More than half the time,
you dont even know what's going on because you are so distracted!
You need someone to scream,
EARTH TO BIANCA!!
When you are off day dreaming,
you smile to yourself because of those thoughts,
then when you realize it,
you feel stupid.
You keep thinking back,
did that really happened?!
and when you pinch yourself to check,
you get butterflies all over your body,
it doesn't even stop at your tummy!
And when you're there,
just looking into those eyes,
you feel an intensity so fierce that you have to force yourself to look away.
Sometimes,
you forget to breath,
your legs feel like jelly when you walk away.
Honestly,
these feelings scare you because you don't get them happenning to you.
Is it real,
you question.
Better not risk it just yet,
go with the flow,
the pieces will slowly fit.
What would you call this feeling?
When i get there,
i'll tell you.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
♥ 9:12 AM
Wednesday, 14th October 2009
12.13a.m, on my bed;
You know it;
It's been a good few months that we have all known each other and look at how thing's have turned out?
Every body's true colours are emerging and it's causing a lot of petty unnecessary problems. Sadly,
i have fallen prey to these problems.
As a group,
one would pretty much be dragged in somehow.
I want to be strong enough to just turn a blind eye to them but it's deeming hard.
Everybody sees things their own way and when something goes amiss,
they start to talk.
Some times,
friends,
they don't know that they have crossed certain boundaries that we've set.
I mean,
if anyone were to put a toe across the line once or twice,
it's forgivable.
But to continuously step across even after countless times of being reprimanded,
that's annoying and stupid.
If people are going think that just because of one or two mistakes that a person made is not going to make me forgive them,
you're wrong because I've already forgiven but honestly,
i have not forgotten.
Facades;
People put them on all the time.
You can never truly understand how a person feels inside.
We are all living Pinocchio's' without our noses growing.
Every body has a mask on but what is really beyond that mask?
Only the person who is wearing the mask will ever know,
only i will know how i feel inside.
I think that everybody is an emotional train wreck,
especially being a teenager.
It's the choices or decisions we make that lead us to our desired outcomes.
We can't really blame anyone but ourselves for making that choice because ultimately,
we chose it.
I hate feeling weak and defeated about myself.
It's really unhealthy but i cant help it.
I just want to have a good cry and let go of things i have dwelled on for unnecessarily.
Then again, i am only human.
I've hidden too much that i don't know where to dig.
I don't know how much i can pretend anymore.
Every single day,
I am lying to myself and to every body else.
I mean, how much can one handle from the little problems that add up little by little?
XOXO;
Sorry Jasmine, i'm sucha klutz. stupid milo!
Damn, i am feeling something.
Do you feel it too?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
♥ 9:55 AM
Sunday, 11th October 2009
3.39am, on my bed.
Sat-ur-day
I didn't go for jalan raya today, quite bummed out about it.
Turns out Jappi didn't go too.
Mummy went to work today so Papa spent the day with us.
He made us wash his car with him.
It was fun actually.
When he asked us to rest, we found ways to amuse ourselves;
Bell is taking a picture of herself. She'll kill me in the morning!
Nan figured out the self timer button and insisted that we take pictures;
Our best faces.
Papa laughed so hard when he saw these pictures.
Siblings, they can be very hard to live with but even in their most stupid or annoying moments, they never fail to make my day.
I love you even though i scream and shout at you, when you sell me out and sometimes even bully.
I don't know why but sometimes i bend lower to take pictures with my sister.
Look at that Bell, I'm taller!
The weather today was very unexpected,
it rained heavily in the morning (it was so good to sleep!)
throughout the afternoon it cleared up.
Around evening, when the sun was setting,
it was such a beautiful sight.
It looked as if the sky was burning and it also looked like tie dye.
All those different colours in the sky were so pretty!
A very botak cookie.
Cookie always acts very differently when she's with Papa,
I always get jealous,
Don't be deceived by the way she looks,
she's very scary!
She just bit Bell a few days ago, the worst she's gotten!
A cat followed Mummy all the way up to our house.
She refused to leave!
When cookie saw the cat, she lost it!
She kept barking but when she saw Papa,
she cried.
She was upset that i was outside playing with the cat.
Bell and me had to escort the kitty cat downstairs.
At first, the cat just kept following us,
then we decided to play hide and seek with it.
We ran around the block, and when we went to the lifts,
the cat was at the other end!
We quickly made another run for it!
XOXO,
Your unexpectedness is scary yet it never fails to make me smile.
G'night!
Friday, October 9, 2009
♥ 11:34 AM
Saturday, 10th October 2009
2.47am, on my bed;
Everwhat;
Boringboring public relations.
Mu'meen is so cute! but he never come to me!
At least the kitten was responsive.
Went late to meet the guys.
I am so very sorry.
I really wished i could spend a little more time with you all.
It's been such a long time since we had a proper reunion and i really miss those days.
All together playing L4D.
I'll never understand them with their games.
Croissant! Johnson!
You used to be smaller than me!
And your hair obsession, even i don't fuss with my hair that much!
haha.
i miss you.
I cut my hair myself yesterday.
I stood in the toilet just looking at my hair, i don't know why i just picked up the scissors and snipped my hair off!
Nice?
I guess it turned out alright.
I wanted to surprise Elize but she couldn't wait,
made me put the phone down and when she called me back she was like
"I know what it is! You cut your bangs!"
Bloody spoiler,
i wonder who told her,
she won't tell me till Tuesday.
I thought you switched off your phone on purpose you know!
Alright,
my eyes are screaming.
XOXO,
While you are away, my heart comes undone, slowly unraveling.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
♥ 8:45 AM
Wednesday, 8th October 2009
3.26, on my bed;
blahblahhhhhh ;
Public Relations is very boring but i like the teacher.
I think he's so cute, like those old people kinda cute.
Today, the class was kinda disruptive, not so much concentration.
After school, we went to Little India again! Walked like mad!
Met Sanam's mother for the first time, she seems very nice!
I love to go to Little India, especially around this time (Deepavali).
The sights, the sounds, the colours, the lights and the hustle and bustle of it all, it's awesome! Had North Indian yet again, Alam introduced us to the restaurant, i forgot the name, Khansama? Khansana?
Whatever the name of the place was, the food was GOOD!
The Naan was just nice and the butter chicken was finger lickin' good!
This food talking is making my stomach growl!
We walked a lot more this time.
Got to take in more of it!
I am so tired. I switched on the lap top at 11-ish?
Wanted to start blogging but i went online and got distracted by two monkey's.
Ended up talking to them a whole lot, laughing and swearing!
JAJA and Dancing Mutton! HAHAHA!
Sometimes, you think you haven't crossed the line because you've already been there and done that with the person.
When you do something, you don't expect it might hurt them and the reaction you receive after that comes as a surprise.
What might have triggered it?
You end up thinking about it the whole day afters'.
You smile to show the world that you're alright but inside, it hurts.
Even with that simple acknowledgement you might think it's going to go back to normal, but it's going to be hard.
I'm going to have to be wary around you because i don't want to push it.
It's very childish but I'd rather stay on the safe side.
When you start a new chapter of your life, you have new sets of friends, lifestyles and habits. Trust, a simple word yet so very complex.
Who to trust? Who not too?
After what I've been witnessing in the new chapter of my life,
i find that trust is hard to come by.
It's only few people that you feel you can be yourself and share bits of your life with, but not entirely.
Whatever it is, not one will ever know how one really feels except for the person himself/herself.
GOODNIGHTXZXZ!
XOXO,
AHHH, YOU ARE SO SEXY! YOU LOOK LIKE A VAMPIRE!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
♥ 9:10 AM
Wednesday, 7th October 2009
2.08am, on my bed.
My nose is killing me;
The heat is unbearable and my nose is dripping like a broken faucet.
School was random.
Laughed a lot.
Jasprit's got a new name; Kuldip Kaur.
Once again, almost everyone in class payed attention (this does not usually happen!),
notes were being written off the hook!
It was like the exam fever all over again.
Second term's not going to be friendly, the assignments and the final year project, urghh, not good.
I've yet to decide which module I'm going to choose for my final year project, yeah, i know, deadline's due on the 6th of November but i can't wait for the hallelujah moment right?!
Jappi and Daryl had some production meeting so while waiting for them in the canteen,
Jasmine was sharing about how fragile her life is (pretty damn bad if you knew the details)
and we were all looking at this uber sweet couple. It's better than any movie.
It's the most sweetest thing I've ever witnessed.
The guy's got a disability, so does the girl.
He walks with crutches and he's also got a helper that aids him,
and the lady's on a wheelchair.
The way they looked at each other was as if they saw God in each other.
They were even feeding each other! There was so much love and affection and it made me feel all soft and mushy.
Despite their disabilities, you could tell that what they have is real and true.
I know that i don't get to see these kinds off things happening but when i do, it makes me appreciate life.
Makes me realize that I've got a spoon fed life and that i should be grateful for what I've got.
I've gone all emotional now.
We had dinner at No.1 coffee shop! Meatball soup!
We created such a ruckus in the train, kept laughing at some people in our class. Fxza'a re-enactment of them was classic!
People kept staring at us laughing all over the place.
It was embarrassing but what a day!
Jasmine lent me a book, Angels & Demons.
Not something I'd normally read but it seems very interesting.
Showed the book to my dad, haha, he thinks Dan Brown's full of shit.
Im going to go through pictures of Nepal in Flickr.
Goodnight!
XOXO,
There's a black kitten in queenstown which we named Hitam. SO CUTE!
I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy.
OKAY, over and out!
